“George. Seriously?!? Why do we need a Mustang? Are you going through a mid-life crisis?!?”

My husband and I had been in the market for a second vehicle for a few months now. We’d been living as a one-car family for over a year and after moving to small town Missouri -aka “the boonies”- we knew that a second vehicle was necessary in the event of an emergency. Besides, my husband had been driving the Mommy Mobile to and from work and his manhood could take no more. I can’t say that I blame him.

Prior to our search for a second vehicle, George and I came to an agreement on what we were looking for. The new vehicle would be:

• pre-owned
• priced between $2,000-$2,500
• fuel efficient
• well-maintained, engine wise

Clearly, we were in the market for a hoopty that would get him to and from work in one piece without exploding, falling apart or draining our checking account at the gas pump. So imagine my surprise when my husband walked out of the dealership with this:

Oh no he didn’t! Oh yes, he most certainly did.

Apparently, the agreement my husband and I had made went flying out the window the moment he laid his hopeless blue eyes on Little Miss Mustang. George was putty in her hands. Like an experienced whore in a seedy brothel, Little Miss Mustang worked her magic on my beloved husband. She had her way with him and George wanted more. He just had to bring her home.

Here are a few bits and pieces of the conversations we’ve had about Little Miss Mustang over the last few days. Enjoy…

Me: What in the world happened to the budget we discussed? This is not a $2,000-$2,500 vehicle!
Him: You can’t get a reliable vehicle for that amount.
Me: You work on a military post. There are soldiers selling their vehicles for dirt-cheap all.the.time.

Seriously? How stupid does he think I am?

……………………

Me: I thought you wanted to buy a truck because of your back problems. How in the world are you going to get in and out of a low-to-the-ground Mustang?
Him: It’ll just take some getting used to.

I’m twiddling my thumbs and waiting patiently for that inevitably glorious day when I can finally say “Ha! I TOLD YOU SO!”

……………………

Him: I always wanted a Mustang. It’s my dream car!
Me: And I dream about leaving you all behind and becoming an ice princess, but I’m not really going to go out and do that.

Okay so maybe I didn’t say that. But dangit, I wanted to!

……………………

Me: How is this stupid car supposed to be fuel efficient?
Him: Well, it’s a sports car so it’s low to the ground, more aerodynamic and creates less drag.

Aerodynamic, my ass.

……………………

Me: Wait a minute! *hands on hips, furiously tapping right foot* How in the world am I supposed to drive this stupid thing if there’s an emergency? It’s a stick! I.can’t.drive.a.stick.
Him: I’ll teach you to drive it whenever you’re ready. *holding me close, rubbing my back* Sweetheart, you just let me know when you’re ready. Okay?

I’ll forgo the freaking lessons and just crash the dang thing.

……………………

Him: *rubbing his new girlfriend down with a soft cloth, grinning from ear to ear*
Me: Seriously, George. Are you going through a mid-life crisis?
Him: Of course not. I just always wanted a Mustang. You’re the only woman for me. *then saying ever so softly, under his breath* But she is a chick-magnet.

First chance I get, I’m crashing that stupid bitch. Then I’ll leave them all behind and fulfill my dream of becoming an ice princess.

The end.

*Out of curiosity -and because it’s so much fun to mess with him- I’m dying to know what you think: Is my husband George going through a midlife crisis?

Let the hilarious, self-indulgent comments begin. Ready? Set. GO!